i would punch a child for taco bell
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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