frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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