I wish I could teleport
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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