I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
