May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
