I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
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