So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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