I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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