Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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