my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
