We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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