my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
