ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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