life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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