Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
