One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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