Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
