I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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