is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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