Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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