I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
