Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
don't judge my taste in strippers
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
