I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
