what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
