the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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