I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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