: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
