how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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