I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
