my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
