First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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