All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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