My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i came on her dog
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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