Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
