Jerry, you need to find god
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's never too late to be topless.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize