two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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