i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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