I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
