You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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