I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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