listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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