I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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