I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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