i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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