we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
