It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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