i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
