too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
