there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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