I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize