i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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