i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
