So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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