I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
