Don't you send me to vm
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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