My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I have fence marks all over my body
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
