You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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