seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
