My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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