dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
