I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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